How To Stop Kids From Lying By Rewarding Honesty

Photo by Tim Bish on Unsplash

A huge non-negotiable for my husband and me is lying, we have always told our girls they will be in way less (maybe not even at all) trouble if they are honest than if they lie. Unfortunately lying is a normal part of a child’s learning process. But how can we stop our kids from lying? Here are the reasons why lying happens and how we can reward honesty to stop the lying.

Why Do Kids Feel The Need To Tell Lies?

There are so many reasons that grown adults lie, now imagine being a child with all the lessons and social cues to be learned. All of the pressure and stressors that children face both at school and at home can create a subconscious need to lie. Of course, no child wants to get in trouble or be disciplined, but there are many other situations that can cause a lie to be told.

1. Testing / pushing the boundaries. One of the main ways kids learn where the boundaries are is to test the limits. This applies to what lies they can get away with, and lying once the boundary/rule has been broken.
2. Social / peer pressure. No one likes to feel left out or different than others. Lying to fit in is a huge reason why kids lie.
3. Self-esteem. When a child has low self-esteem they may lie about details or facts so they don’t sound ignorant, or less than others around them. Lying for attention (even if the attention is negative) can also be caused by low self-esteem or feeling a lack of love.
4. To avoid a negative reaction to bad behavior, mistakes or accidents. Children never want to be a disappointment to their parents, teachers, or other authority figures. If a child feels they will be letting down an adult because of something they have or have not done they may lie to avoid that feeling of disappointment.
5. To avoid punishment. I would say this is the second largest reason children tell lies. Because lying about something they know is wrong can develop into a serious/habitual problem, it’s very important to stand firm on your position about the lying and the broken rule.
6. To get what they want. This can be a lie told so they are able to do something or to get out of something. Maybe it’s a lie to get an extra piece of candy, or saying they will be at one location when really they are somewhere else.
7. Lying to avoid doing something they don’t want to do. A great example is when a child says they don’t have homework when they really do.
8. Strict rules or unrealistic expectations at home. When a home is overly strict or rule filled (beyond the normal) it can cause a child to feel unsafe to tell the truth. It can also create very effective lying to avoid consequences.
9. At young ages lying can actually be a child verbalizing their imaginations. And not an act of trying to be deceitful. As the child grows and with parent reinforcement they will learn to distinguish the difference between what is real and what is imaginary.
10. Learned Behavior. Although it may seem harmless when a child hears their parents lie they think it’s okay for them to lie. Even something as harmless as encouraging a child to say they are younger for free entrance can reinforce that lying is no big deal.

Parents Can Stop Children From Lying By Rewarding Honesty

Rewarding honesty instead of focusing on the lie and reason behind the lie is a technique used often in positive parenting. The Parenting For Brain says it best “Positive parenting focuses on teaching future behavior instead of punishing past misbehavior”.

A reward for honesty has more impact than punishment or scolding about lying. The reward can really be any positive expression (some parents use small gifts) of praise. I use verbal praise, hugs, singing or just being excited. I really like the idea of an honesty jar, where a child can place a penny in a jar when they are honest. This is a great physical representation of the good behavior, this is a good practice for younger kids too.

How Can We Teach Our Kids About Honesty?

The easiest way for parents to teach their kids about honesty is to model the behavior (which we talked about in tip #10) and teach from personal experience. When we tell our children about a time when we did something negative and could have lied, but chose to tell the truth, we are modelling the reward (in character) of being honest.

Teaching honesty ideas — http://www.yessafechoices.org/parents/character-education-corner/honesty

If you have a Christian home we can turn to scripture to help teach why lying is wrong. Here are a few scriptures that you and your children can go over together.

1 Peter 3:10

Proverbs 12:19

Ephesians 4:25

What Should Be Avoided When A Child Regularly Lies?

As a parent our first instinct is to call out the bad behavior and force our kids to admit the lie and to tell the truth. The negative impression our kids get when we call them liars can cause self-esteem problems and often lead to more lying in the future.

If you catch your child in a lie don’t demand a confession and try to avoid a long lecture. Reinforcing how important you feel honesty is, and having a clear consequence (not too severe) will create a teaching moment instead of inflicting distress.

A great technique is to start a conversation that you direct your child towards how to avoid or change the behavior/act that caused them to lie. If you know your child is lying about not completing their chores try asking “Would you like to go take a second look to make sure you completely did your chores?” or “Do you need a little more time to get your chores cleaned?”. This can allow your child to in a sense undo the lie and get their tasks done.

Us parents would be foolish to think that our kids will never tell stories (lies). Lying is a way children learn about their social surroundings, and we can help lead them back to honesty. Lying will happen but how we handle the lie is more important. Open discussions, rewarding honesty and being consistent are the top ways to steer our kids away from lying.